Maybe its because I have severed ties with people that I could of bee friends with. But when I look at them I cant see any value in their friendship, except to get drunk with them. Bar friends? Booooooo. Not what I am seeking.
Maybe its because I am half drunk, on one of these nights when I shouldn’t be so alone.
Maybe I just need to go back on my meds to try to make my brain right. The mental fight seems great tonight. Maybe its because I have no kumari to make my brain sleepy. Or was it due to the fact that I just “finished” a story and my mental vomit has been purged?
I really didn’t finish the story. It got too gruesome and I posted the water down version.
Maybe it has something to do with the lumps that I found on my little beau. Upon further investigation, they didn’t seem like fatty growths. Cancer? Maybe. At least, I found out that I haven’t been exposed to rabies. The dead dog’s head came back negative. That is good at least.
Is it loneliness? Why am I feeling this way this night? The heavy heart and the sorrow seem to wear heavy on me tonight. Is it just the first night of many that I know that I will spend alone? So many questions and not enough answers to satisfy me tonight. Maybe it’s just that I need something new tonight. I could be writing this out on paper but that just seems too much like writing in my diary tonight. Maybe I spend too much time lost in my brain. Too much time self-medicating, not enough time living. That is it. I have been spending too much time watching and not doing. I need to go out and run again. I have just been living on the starvation and self-abuse diet. I need a healthy dose of life. But given my choice of souls to be around, the self-abuse seems better.
I am so sick of all the drama, in so many accounts. The bar dealings, the gossip. I want a real life again. I want real friends again. Am I that picky as to who I can call friend? I know trust, is an issue with me. I don’t trust people. I know where I lost some of my trust in people. The ones that I once called “friends”, who in my time of need turned a back on me and I haven’t heard from them again.
Maybe it’s just me. Maybe its just the life that I know lead. Always searching for some thing that I can never find. Maybe I have lost part of myself in trying to be something that I am not. I can never be that super sweet sugary girl. I have my darkness. In many ways I thrive in that darkness. Marching along to the beat of my own drummer, I turned my back on the path that I was meant to lead. I am just a lost soul in a lost world. Maybe I have become like so many of my ancestors, just trying to belong to a world that will never truly accept you.
I think that is more it then anything else. I am not “normal” enough to fit in and I am not freak enough to fit in. I am lost in this middle ground. It seems like there is nowhere that I belong. I am just a beast roaming looking for somewhere to belong.
Maybe I just need to be like James in James and the Giant Peach; I just need to look at things in a different way? Maybe it’s not me going crazy, but its all the masturbation that I have been doing. Oh, fuck that. Masturbation makes me happy, so does fucking. But that is a blog for another day.
So, I will put on a happy face for another day yet to come.
Maybe, it’s from being away from everything that I know. Oh yeah, happy face time. But it’s hard to do with this song on. Especially with the line “that’s the way it is in Oklahoma”. I am a country girl. I am an Okie. My whole life was made to revolve around that place. My life was created there, my family is there. For fuck’s sake, I have never spent more then 6 years away from there at one stretch. And I am pushing the 6.5 year mark out here. Its funny how you can dream your self away from some where and when you are gone from there you miss it like mad. But I know if I were back there, mentally I would wilt and fade. Oh, wait I am feeling that here. Maybe I just need to be somewhere else. Find new experiences to conquer. I have wanted to go to the Carolina’s. Really I want to go to NC. I want to be there. It seems to have the right mix of red neck charm and east coast living that I am longing for.
I know the Raleigh/Wilmington areas have made me happy in the past. Seeing rockabilly chickies with southern twangs, at an art/coffee house, made my heart go a flutter.
I guess, really I am just looking for that niche that I am trying to find, the group who will once again welcome me with open arms, without having to go back to Oklahoma, I have heard that Boston is nice…
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