2*11*07

Why do I always fuck everything up? I didn’t mean any harm. I feel bad for hitting Jason. I was just so mad. Too much had built up in me. Too many lonely nights and feeling alone. It just got the better of me.

I need a friend. I mean a real friend. Not just someone to party with but to be a friend with. Someone who I can just sit and not have to talk to but its just fun to be around them. I guess I just need some company. I don’t do well when I am alone so much. Maybe that is where these feeling of being nothing are coming from.

I am so sore from fighting. It doesn’t help that I started a new work out today. It’s a pretty fun work out. I didn’t do the yoga part of it though. The first 3/4ths of it was pretty intense. I gotta get use to doing that part before I do the yoga part. I need to practice my dancing. I haven’t done that in a while. I hope I can still remember the dances that I was making up. I really wanna take another belly dancing class.

I wish I still had my L7 cd. I would love to hear “Shitlist”, put on my doc’s and stomp on a few bottles. God that would be nice. That song was just made for tearing shit up. I had once punched a hole in the wall while listening to that song. Right now I feel like my injun name should be Hiding Mountain Lion Ready to Pounce.

Maybe some good ol’ Ministry will help me out. The 70’s stuff just isn’t cutting it tonight. My shoulder, knee and check hurts like a bitch. My knee hurts because I fell and scrapped up my knee. I am not sure why my shoulder hurts; maybe it was when Jason was trying to hold my arm back so I couldn’t punch him again. My face hurts from the slap he gave me and when I fell I hit my check on the foot of the office chair. I know I made that one escalate. It all started because he got mad that I was looking at X's myspace page. I can understand why he doesn’t like it but there are things that he does that I don’t like and I guess today was the breaking point, for both of us. For him it was everything that I have done to him, all the hurt and making him feel like shit and for me, well, it was everything that I did to me. I am the only one who has control over me and I don’t seem to be able to do that well. I let myself get fat and gross. I don’t have any friends.

What do I do? I self medicate. I know that self-medication is wrong. And I am beginning to wonder sometimes if I am picking up alcoholic tendencies again. I know I was coping better when Jason wasn’t spying on every type stroke that I made. I was more comfortable in writing. I can’t feel as free to write what I want to. Everything in check and monitored before it comes out of me. I need to make changes in my life. I am not happy. Maybe I need to take my happy brain pills again. I don’t like having to chemically alter my brain. But this isn’t something that I can control. My brain is out of whack. Sometimes I wonder if I am schizophrenic. Sometimes I don’t feel like I have a real good grasp on reality. Maybe I should lock my self up until I can think again. Maybe I have held too much down, held to much in. Maybe I just need a good explosion. No, not a real explosion but that would be fun. But an emotional/physiological explosion. I have been alone so much that I am almost afraid of going out. Somewhere that I don’t know, not comfortable with I kinda freak out. One thing that scares me is when I was fighting Jason; I didn’t see the anger coming. I knew I was getting mad but I didn’t see the anger. It was the same anger that made me almost kill my sister over laundry. But that bought of anger threw pepper in my eyes and then bitch slapped me.

I hope I don’t have any bruises in the AM. I bet I will be sore as a bitch though.

I want my Mommy, really I do. I guess my after Christmas depression has come late. It’s not from the credit card bills. It’s from not being around my family and friends. I guess I just need the red dirt of Crapahoma. Since I am spilling my guts here I might as well spill them all. The holidays were really hard for me this year. It was supposed to be my Christmas home. I haven’t been able to spend Yule with my family in 3 years. Don’t get me wrong I love Jason’s family. They are the best. But it’s not like being with your own people. The holidays and birthdays have always been big deals in my family and when I try to make a birthday a big deal, no one shows. Except for the Corrigan’s and Christina.

Maybe it has something to do with the loss of Jason’s step-grandma. It has made me remember how much I miss my grandparents. Maybe it has something to do wit the fact that I am getting named and none of my family can be here.

Ok I took a deep breath and am ready to continue. I am glad that the raconteurs are on. I would hump Jack White. He’s pretty sexy like Johnny Depp and Lennie Kravitz. Those have always been long time favorite hot guys.

Ughh, I just realized that Jason got his big wound. He was holding my arms back and I bit him. He had a coat and a shirt on too. Damn! Like I said that bought of anger really came out of nowhere.

There must be something wrong with me I don’t wanna masturbate. That is like shitting, something I do once a day. But really why would I want to? Yeah I can get my self off but what the fuck am I saying? Its fun to get myself off.

Right now I have a big ol’ pouttyface. I wanna hug.

Eating meat is really gross. I did good at my goal I wanted to accomplish tonight. I got tore up. Thank god for that. I am happy that all my feelings are a jumble, that I cant decipher. I guess I will get ready for bed.

I do love him so much. Why do I do things that will hurt him? He used to be the only guy that had never hit me. My head is kinda slow. I think that the bump that I took during the fight has made me slow. Or maybe it’s all the sedatives.

Ok I am going to get ready for bed. I wish you well. I wish you a good marrow. I wish you a good night. May the stars shine down upon your head. May your dreams be sweeter then honey. Know that I am there. Holding your hand and kissing your ear. Know that I am in the breeze that kisses your checks and tickles your nose. Know that I am in the sun that warms your back on an early spring day. When the palest breeze gently blows. And the smallest butterflies dance on a cloudy day. Know that I am there. I am the pixie that carries your laugh to the clouds and the sun smiles while you laugh.

It’s supposed to snow here this week. I hope we have a lot of snow. I don’t want like that part of NY that has 10 feet of snow. That is too much. But a foot or 3 would be kewl. I wish there was someone with me now.

My drunken online diary is a little weird at times. But what you get is me. A true heart felt me. OK my boys and girls its all most my bed time. I am pretty fucked up and I have to go to work tomorrow would much prefer to curl up in my mind and speak awhile. Maybe then I will be able to work out some things. Its almost 11 and 6am comes very early.